i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
