so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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