I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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