booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
