when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize