I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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