I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
