If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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