Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
