I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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