you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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