The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
