If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
