what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
