Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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