It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize