I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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