just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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