Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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