I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
