I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
