I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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