i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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