she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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