If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
