mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
