we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize