if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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