If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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