Please, let me fuck your mom
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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