TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
