I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
