The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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