just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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