she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
