Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
