me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
