When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
