I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
