Where is the hickey?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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