I want to make a zoo with you.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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