I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
