She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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