I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
