I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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