i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
