Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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