I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
