Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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