I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
