I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
