yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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