I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
