I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
