Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
