I like my sex mixed with concussions.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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